had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
