We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
