chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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