Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
