ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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