What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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