I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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