I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
