You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
