woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
