just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i've created a new STD.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
