I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
