You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
