so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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