haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
