i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you had me at cake vodka
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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