Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
