I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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