Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
