I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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