haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize