I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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