Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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