If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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