Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
