The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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