Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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