how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
