If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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