I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
