Screwed.edu
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
