How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
