Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
