I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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