We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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