More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
