I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
