my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
