it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
