So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
