Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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