I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Welp...herpes.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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