Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
