Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
