woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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