why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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