someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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