So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
