What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
