I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
