How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
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