I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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