My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
