He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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