If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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