Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
